THINGS YOU WISH YOUR PARENTS NEVER SAID

I had some fun some years ago asking friends to name things they truly wish their parents hadn’t told them. People were only too keen to list the crimes and I suspect there was some therapeutic value in so doing. Some of them are parents themselves now and maybe using the same phrases. Or maybe, having thought about things, decided not to. There’s a Phillip Larkin poem that sums it all up nicely.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

My collection of indictments fell into eight categories, an eightfold path to doom if you will. Here are my notes from the time, pretty much unexpurgated. Additions welcome.

1) DIMINISHING. This leads to low self-esteem.
Mother knows best. Useless, clot, bone idle,waste of time/space,no good, not good enough, grow up why don’t you. Don’t be silly. Never mind – it’s personality that counts.
2) ALIENATING. This induces sexual and other repression and body armour.
That’ dirty.
3) JUDGEMENTAL. This creates guilt
Your fault. Look what you’ve done. Bad boy/girl/thing. We gave you everything (and you threw it back in our face) You brought it on yourself.
4) MORAL ABSOLUTE. Authoritarian/Anarchist it could swing either way.
Be good. Nice girls/boys don’t…Share that with your friends.
5) COMPARATIVE. The road to class consciousness, sexism, racism, righteousness
People will say, neighbours think…
6) THREATENING. How to induce paranoia in your offspring
Don’t you dare. Want a smack? Bogeyman will get you. If you don’t eat your cabbage the world will end. Wait till…
7) BLOCKING. Engenders depression, anger, mania
Be quiet. Don’t cry. Shut up. You don’t want that. Never mind, don’t you dare. Do as you’re told in our house. stop showing off.
8) ISOLATING. More depression. loneliness
Won’t love you if… nobody’s interested in you. We wanted a girl really. Don’t come out until you’re…

Who am I to lecture? I’m not a parent so I’ll never really understand how it is, still less arrive at a solution. I’ll let poet Adrian Mitchell have the last word via his riposte to Phillip Larkin.

They tuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself

RobV February 14th 2008